Auto Dialogue

I am going to start some new postings called Auto Dialogue make use of that YouTube channel that I have.   I will be posting the vlog here and on my YouTube channel.  Give me some ideas, because all of mine are militant and I need a little fluff.

My Birthday

Today is my birthday. I am not quite a half-century old.  I am 49 today. I am trying not to feel like it is just any other day, but that is how I feel.  I am usually very excited about my birthday, but today I am kind of blah, but then again, I haven't been excited about much.  I understand I suffer from depression, but in this time and age who doesn't.  I recognize the symptoms, but recognizing the signs and doing something about it are different.  Sometimes I just want to feel sad.  I don't want to feel better, and while everyone is looking at me and asking if I am ok, I just want them to leave me alone and let me be sad.  Let me listen to sad music, let me get teary eyed, I deserve to feel sorry for myself for a little while.  It is ok that a mourn for the person that was me way back when.  It is ok to mourn the person I wanted to be but did not become.  I am sad sometimes because of that, but I do recognize that the past cannot be revisited.  I just sometimes want to be self-indulgent in my sadness, this is how I cope.  Tomorrow I will take the steps that make everyone feel comfortable, and that helps me deal on a daily basis.  But today is my birthday, and I want to be sad, so I will be.

I have been lax is setting goals for myself.  I feel as if I am resigned to the status quo, and that is never good.  I started this blog because of the positive interactions that I have had with others, but this is soul stripping.  I never understood how people could tell their entire life story so easily.  I hold back so much, so it is hard for me to go forward in new friendships.  The friendships I have, I have had for years.  I surprise even myself, on how I shut down so completely, but giving the illusion that I am open.  I am good at faking it.  So this is my attempt not to fake it, to answer questions and concerns with openness and honesty.   I can only do so much; this is new to me.  I will start to ramble, to get everything out of me onto paper. A friend told me that I have so much to share with others, and it was a shame that it was wasted.  I'm not sure about that, but I do have definite opinions that enable me to raise extraordinary humans. So here I go, and if my experience helps one person grow, that is the success.


Dream with your eyes wide open.
Sunshine

Making Space for New Beginnings

Toward the end of last year my house was vandalized.  Everything I had worked for in the past year was stolen.  My family was devastated and I was angry.  For most people this anger would be a normal reaction to being violated, but my anger was over the top, and uncontrollable. I wanted to hurt them, and hurt them badly.  I knew who broke into my house and I contacted them.  I, personally went to find them.  My anger was overwhelming.  Had I found them anytime before now, it would have been assault, that is how angry I was. I am a believer in karma. You reap, what you sow.  I consciously, and willing went to a place in my heart and mind that I knew would cause me more pain in the long run, but I couldn't let it go. Everything I worked so hard for was taken from me and my children, and that what this was all about, my children.  At this point, I wanted to destroy.  These are people I went out of my way to help, to be understanding.  How dare they?  I am easy going and forgiving until I feel that my children, not me, are attacked.  All I could see was that I forced my daughter to go to school that morning, and my son with is head in his hand because he was hit the hardest.


I was in a destructive mode.  I didn't want to wait for karma.  I wanted the damaged to be done now, by me. I looked for this couple for months and never ran into them.  I have had months to let it go, and to be honest I am slowly coming back to who I was before this incident.  I can now look around and see the my youngest are happy and they feel safe. My child, who I moved in with, isn't so sad with family around.  I am comfortable, and starting to get my mind and heart on track again.  I didn't completely let it go.  I found that this couple still followed me on Facebook, so I told my story, about them, on their timeline.  I am a better person, but not a saint.


I am still angry, but no longer destructive. I now can appreciate how my adult children rallied around me, insisting that me and the younger siblings move in with them, because my older children understood me better than anyone.  I let the need to hurt someone go, not only in my mind, but also my heart.  I am now focusing on continuing my forward motion, because when you harbor that much malice in your heart, you cease to grow.  I can no longer stifle my growth; I must cut the anchor that is holding me back.  Moving on is hard when something wounds you deeply, but that is what this blog is about.  Let go that which negatively takes up space in your heart and mind.  Sometimes you have to "let go, and let God, or Allah, etc."  Find space and time to breath and appreciate what is positive in your life, and don't let what is negative blind you.  Not an easy task when you feel violated, or sad.  Find something that you always wanted to do and never had time, and pour all that energy that you are using for negative emotion into that task.  I walked every time I felt the anger spilling over.  I lost 12lbs.  I was really angry.  I redirected that anger. I didn't get rid of it immediately and I am not sure all of it is gone, but I am working on it.  And I can now breath. 



Music for today is Alicia Keys, Wait to They See Your Smile.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mL0K-mRZWLw