Making Space for New Beginnings

Toward the end of last year my house was vandalized.  Everything I had worked for in the past year was stolen.  My family was devastated and I was angry.  For most people this anger would be a normal reaction to being violated, but my anger was over the top, and uncontrollable. I wanted to hurt them, and hurt them badly.  I knew who broke into my house and I contacted them.  I, personally went to find them.  My anger was overwhelming.  Had I found them anytime before now, it would have been assault, that is how angry I was. I am a believer in karma. You reap, what you sow.  I consciously, and willing went to a place in my heart and mind that I knew would cause me more pain in the long run, but I couldn't let it go. Everything I worked so hard for was taken from me and my children, and that what this was all about, my children.  At this point, I wanted to destroy.  These are people I went out of my way to help, to be understanding.  How dare they?  I am easy going and forgiving until I feel that my children, not me, are attacked.  All I could see was that I forced my daughter to go to school that morning, and my son with is head in his hand because he was hit the hardest.


I was in a destructive mode.  I didn't want to wait for karma.  I wanted the damaged to be done now, by me. I looked for this couple for months and never ran into them.  I have had months to let it go, and to be honest I am slowly coming back to who I was before this incident.  I can now look around and see the my youngest are happy and they feel safe. My child, who I moved in with, isn't so sad with family around.  I am comfortable, and starting to get my mind and heart on track again.  I didn't completely let it go.  I found that this couple still followed me on Facebook, so I told my story, about them, on their timeline.  I am a better person, but not a saint.


I am still angry, but no longer destructive. I now can appreciate how my adult children rallied around me, insisting that me and the younger siblings move in with them, because my older children understood me better than anyone.  I let the need to hurt someone go, not only in my mind, but also my heart.  I am now focusing on continuing my forward motion, because when you harbor that much malice in your heart, you cease to grow.  I can no longer stifle my growth; I must cut the anchor that is holding me back.  Moving on is hard when something wounds you deeply, but that is what this blog is about.  Let go that which negatively takes up space in your heart and mind.  Sometimes you have to "let go, and let God, or Allah, etc."  Find space and time to breath and appreciate what is positive in your life, and don't let what is negative blind you.  Not an easy task when you feel violated, or sad.  Find something that you always wanted to do and never had time, and pour all that energy that you are using for negative emotion into that task.  I walked every time I felt the anger spilling over.  I lost 12lbs.  I was really angry.  I redirected that anger. I didn't get rid of it immediately and I am not sure all of it is gone, but I am working on it.  And I can now breath. 



Music for today is Alicia Keys, Wait to They See Your Smile.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mL0K-mRZWLw

This is a reply to a comment I posted on Youtube that took on a path I honestly did not forsee. I wrote a comment on how I identify with the Smiths and how they are raising Willow and Jaden.  I also said that I would have like to say it was racist but I couldn't being that most of the negative comments were from people of color.  I got backlash saying that I made this about color.  Let's talk about that. This is not the direction that I intended and the people that are taking this stance, are not my audience, but they want to discuss.  OK....The most glaring example, if I wanted to make this about race, is the Kardashians vs the Smiths.  The Kardashians have made a living out of being out of the norm.  They have been taught how to get ahead with little or no talent.  They have raped cultures to establish their position in entertainment, and without a doubt they are entertaining.  The question I propose is, can they be taken seriously.  They have used sex and scandal to continue being in the forefront of the entertainment industry, they are artificially pretty and marry well.  But when Amandla spoke out about another teenager's appropriation of her culture, she was attacked and victimized on several sites.  She was seen as an adult,  not  as one child reprimanding another child.  Willow filmed laying on a bed, fully cloth, with a friend who is also in the same band as her brother, doing nothing and they question rather they are dating.  Jaden is a feminist and they question his sexuality and sanity.  STOP.  These are major media outlets doing this.  I guarantee they are not headed by African Americans.  These children express themselves clearly and with emotion, but people want to shut them down.  Shut down the the seventeen year old, dating the twenty-five year old ex-drug dealer. So is this a racist rant, no.  This is observation through the eyes of an Black American.  Racism, especially systematic racism, is built on power, which clearly based on the state America is in now, I do not have. Stop trying to be the victim, it no longer works on me.  I woke up in my youth, and I have raised mine with their eyes wide open.  This does not make us racist, but informed and unable to be blinded by carefully, and systematically planned propaganda.  At this point, those who are not woke either do not want to be, or they are not even aware that they are sleep.  So for those who find my blog, or brave enough to come to where I have directed you, please come girded with facts, as well as your victims emotions. I will not entertain hate for the sake of hate.

Understanding what makes you beautiful

How is everyone on this COLD Saturday evening.  On my "do nothing day" I came across this YouTube account that made me smile.  I am really big on self realization, and one of the touchiest subjects to speak with oneself about is beauty.  While going through my YouTube account I came across this gem.  The youtuber's name is oonshuan.  https://www.youtube.com/user/oonshuan, She is soft-spoken and non-judgemental and she speaks to me on a sister level.  Beauty is not a set of instructions to follow.  You make it up as you go along.  I have 3 very different looking daughters, yet when I look at them, I find them more beautiful every second, but this my opinion, they have to form their own opinions of beauty, I am only here to give them the building blocks. Growing up, I never thought I was attractive.  I had most of the physical attributes needed to be an attractive black woman, light hair, light skin, light eyes and proper speech, but I was made to feel this a burden.  Parents talked about me, so of course their children did.  No one could categorize the pretty tomboy who spoke like a white girl.  I can say pretty now, because I was, I just didn't know it then.   I overheard someone say one time, she think she's pretty, and I wondered why that was a bad thing, but once you hear ALL the time, it starts to take it's toll.  I was in my late twenties, overweight, newly divorce with two kids before I could say FUCK'em and admit that I was pretty.  My girls drove me to realization that I would have to change the way I thought of my beauty, in order for them to never be hampered by theirs.  My daughter's are very different looking.  Here they are:

zoe, dj, jazzy, me

There is no step-by-step guide to beauty. If you compliment my girls, they will say thank you, but it won't be an over the top thank.  None of the feel of "Oh thank your for validating my beauty", they already know that they are beautiful, so don't be offended by that.  They know they are beautiful, smart and strong.  It is always gratifying was someone outside of yourself tells you, but validation is not needed.  So what is beauty, whatever makes you feel beautiful, I don't care it is a weave or natural hair, completely made-up or bare-faced, super-skinny or pleasing plump, the truth is beauty has to start internally, confidence is extremely attractive. Get rid of those people in your life that don't see the beautiful you.  You can only ignore so much negative space before it takes over.  So do what you need to feel beautiful, inside and out.  No one but God can judge, and my God doesn't.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jzJGM1tO3dY

Check her out.

trying a new app

Before

After

Hmmm.😐

Happy Black History Month 😡 wtf

They give us a WHOLE MONTH to correct the shit that has been  shoveled down our throats our whole lifetime.  The lies that they still teach to this day.  John Smith was a pedophile. Thomas Jefferson was a slavemaster. Benjamin Franklin was a freak.  And Thomas Edison couldn't invent his way out of a paper bag without help.  Christopher Columbus a murderer.  Please feel free to add your own.  

words of wisdom from Laurie Ferrer

There are too many free photo shop app out there.  There is no reason for ugly selfies.

my best friend's words of wisdom.